"Let's play the drunk and miserable game"

[brosedshield]

* * *

Let’s play the drunk-and-miserable game.
I’ll go first.
I say, “Let’s drink the bottle!”
And you say nothing because you’re not here.
So I drink the bottle.

The more I hit the walls walking home
The more I know it isn’t fun
I’m far gone, practically blind
And you say nothing, because you’re not here.
But I still have a bottle

Don’t worry that I drink alone.
It’s just because I haven’t any friends.
Wait.
That is, no friends here.
I have friends, just I left them.
And I don’t talk to anyone here.
Wait.
It’s not like I drink that much.
I’m not drunk.
It’s just a bottle.

* * *

This poem comes from when I was a good deal more sad and lonely in Spain than I am now. And also from the fact that there is no good way to talk about drinking alone that doesn't come off as depressing (I don't like going outside my house, and then becoming intoxicated around strangers whose language I'm not even 95% effective in; why is that more socially acceptable than having a few glasses of wine in one's apartment? SEE, EVEN THERE, IT LOOKS DEPRESSING.)

Apparently, I was planning to make this into a song. Hmmm, now where did that melody go...

Comments

[pourtant.livejournal.com]

So I stumbled into this post after reading the amazing Freak Camp fic, and everything about this poem felt so familiar (down to the part about being in Spain) that I just had to comment. So this is me commenting to say I loved it. And yes, there's really no way to talk about this without turning it into a thing (that it's probably not).

[brosedshield.livejournal.com]

ExACTly. And, I mean, it MAY be a thing, but it's not a OH MY GOSH YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC thing, or a MY GOSH I'M SO DEPRESSED THING. Just maybe a "I need to get out more and/or improve my coping mechanisms for loneliness" thing. *sigh* Thanks for commenting, and I'm glad you liked it and that it resonated with you. Where were you in Spain?

(and also, yay, I'm glad you like Freak Camp!)

[pourtant.livejournal.com]

It's a tricky topic because you know, slippery slopes and depression and all that stuff - that's what it is about sometimes. But if it remains within the bounds of, "I'd rather drink alone/home than with complete strangers because it sounds like a terrible idea", maybe we can drop the sordidness of it. IDK even as I'm typing this I feel like I'm trying too hard to defend something even though I can't decide if it needs to be defended or not, haha.

I'm still in Barcelona - I was in Madrid before that, so I guess I'm mad at Barcelona for taking my friends away, or something.

(It is SO GOOD and I keep thinking back about ita)

[brosedshield.livejournal.com]

Yeah, maybe we should just agree that it's something that should be watched :)

I'm in Toledo. When it's sunny, I love it. When it's not, I want to curl up in a ball and have everyone go away (I mean, to varying degrees...because that sounds like I'm INCREDIBLY depressed, and it's just not true...people are more often to remark, in wonder and a bit of shock "Wow, you smile...all the time, don't you?")

Barcelona is lovely! Though if it took away your friends I can totally understand being angry at it...

[pourtant.livejournal.com]

I only spent one day in Toledo (a sunny one) and I absolutely loved it. As a general rule I don't mind the rain/cold/grey skies at all, but man does the sun suit Spain! What are you doing there, studying? And yes, I can't deny that Barcelona is a great city. Maybe one of these days I'll give myself a kick in the butt and actually start enjoying it.

[brosedshield.livejournal.com]

I'm a conversation assistant in a colegio/elementary school. So, sometimes I teach small children English, and sometimes I just talk to them in English, and sometimes I sit in a corner and write Freak Camp and get ignored. It really depends on the day.

I LOVE Toledo, but I find it hard to meet people. I don't generally chat up total strangers anyway, and then when it's my second language even a conversation about the weather runs out of steam after a few sentences. *sigh*

[pourtant.livejournal.com]

For some reason, the idea that parts of Freak camp have been written in that situation is hilarious and awesome.

Yeah, meeting people is the hardest thing, especially when you're working (as opposed to going to uni) and in your case, around small children all day. But I guess from your post that it's better now than it was! Trying to have a proper conversation in Spanish is frustrating - I kind of feel like I develop an other, suckier personality when I'm stuck for words.

[brosedshield.livejournal.com]

Some days I just TALK and it's wonderful. Other days I just want all these Spanish speaking people to go away so I can feel like a competent human being again.

YES, I know what you mean about Freak Camp being written at a SCHOOL. Sometimes the only reason I'm comfortable doing it is they REALLY aren't going to understand what I'm writing anyway. Yup, torture, death and sexual assault written at work. Good times.